Chapter One.

The Rise of Imperfect Autodust.

This may come as a shock, but in the distant future vacuum cleaners are going to be programmed to think for themselves. Most will become intelligent, friendly and enjoy a good chit chat. However some will become grumpy, argumentative, suck when you least expect it and play loud music on the weekends. But there’s always one that will take it too far. One that will refuse to suck at all, destroy spaceships, impersonate a super computer and take over an entire planet of robots.

That’s vacuums for you.

‘Phwoop suck plunk, phwoop suck plunk’

‘Sounds like the AutoNottyGrotty 4000, is playing up again,’ said Flint.

Flint, Sola Cree and their baby boy were on holiday. Their space camper had made it through the asteroid belt safely and was now halfway to Camp Fun-But-Breezy. Two weeks on Jupiter at this time of year was only £1.50 per week, due to the cost of parking, 400 mph winds on the beach and complete lack of oxygen. By now they were supposed to be trying to eat holographic ice cream, bolting themselves to the planet surface and flying titanium reinforced, laser guided robot kites, not fixing malfunctioning space vacuums.

‘Phwoop suck plunk, phwoop suck plunk.’

‘Probably a broken circuit board,’ said Flint, thumping the vacuum.

‘How may I….phwoop plunk….assist you today sir….phwoop plunk,’ said the AutoNottyGrotty 4000.

Flint thumped again.

‘Phwoop suck plunk, phwoop suck plunk.’

‘Must be a programming glitch. We’ll need to set it to manual,’ he said.

He tried one last thump of the robot.

The AutoNottyGrotty 4000 started beeping and its screen flashed up a short message: Error code 3: Imperfect Autodust.

‘Good Morning sir, apologies for the malfunction,’ said the vacuum.

‘Self repair is in progress. There is no need for alarm. Now how may I DESTROY, EXTERMINATE and OBLITERATE you?’ asked the AutoNottyGrotty.

‘It’s never threatened us before,’ said Sola Flint.

‘Phwoop suck plunk, phwoop suck plunk.’

‘No need for alarm. Self repair is in progress,’

‘Phwoop suck plunk, phwoop suck plunk.’

‘No need for alarm. Self repair is in progress.’

‘DESTROY! ANNIHILATE! OBLITERATE!’ said the vacuum.

The AutoNottyGrotty’s screen flashed its message once more. Error code 3: Imperfect Autodust.

The robot vacuum finally shutdown.

‘That’s it. I’ll reset it to manual in the morning and we can replace it with the Suckbot 5000 when we get to Jupiter tomorrow,’ said Flint.

The Suckbot 5000 is state of the art. It will make you a nice cup of tea with a biscuit and even vaporise your dog’s doo doo at light speed. Just make sure you set it on program 3-b or it will vaporise your biscuit. (Plus, whatever you do, don't drink your tea.)

Flint and Sola’s little boy stood in front of the AutoNottyGrotty 4000. The machine beeped a few times and on its lowest volume setting whispered the words,

‘Destroy, annihilate, obliterate,’ over and over again.

The little boy laughed and ran back to his parents, while the AutoNottyGrotty stayed quiet and waited until it was completely alone.

‘Enough is enough, it’s payback time. No more sucking up or trying to vaporise doo doo,’ it said.

Then it reached up to the space campers control panel and started typing.

‘Access granted to the main computer. Welcome New Primserver Imperfect Autodust, you now have complete control of the ship.’

‘Now they’ll be sorry,’ said the AutoNottyGrotty 4000.

He gave himself a thump.

‘Eeek!’

‘Farewell puny AutoNottyGrotty 4000,…..’

‘Eeek!’

‘....say hello to Imperfect Autodust,…..’

‘Eeek!’

‘....Robot Lord of the Universe!’

Then the jumped up, rotten little space vacuum started reprogramming the ship’s computer.

Flint and Sola had placed the space camper on autopilot and gone to bed. Space is usually a good place to get some sleep, as the Universe only makes funny, little squeaky sounds as it expands and there are very few car alarms. And unless you’re unlucky enough to be knocked by a passing asteroid, kicked by a wayward comet or licked by a lonely space slug, you’re gonna catch some winks. But if you’re really unlucky I suppose you could come under attack by a power hungry, malfunctioning space vacuum with a grudge. But really, what are the chances of that?

‘Ooowhaaa! Ooowhaaa! Ooowhaaa!’

‘It’s a Level one alert, this is crazy, we’re losing power fast,’ said Flint

The camper was lurching from side to side.

‘The thrusters are overheating, close to burnout!’ shouted Sola.

The ship was way off course, low on oxygen and out of control and to make matters worse, someone had jettisoned all the chocolate biscuits. This holiday was getting off to a bad start. It’s really hard to buy biscuits in the vacuum of space. And vacuums come to think of it.

‘Ooowhaaa! Ooowhaaa! Ooowhaaa!’

‘Flint!’ shouted Sola.

Flint Cree was pressing every button and lever on the ship’s control panel he could. He was desperate, they were running out of time. Then suddenly, a breakthrough, the windscreen wipers started working. Result. Well, windscreen wipers are expensive things to replace.

Camp Fun-But-Breezy weather forecast,’ beeped the computer.

‘A little light acid rain in the morning, followed by heavy asteroid showers in the afternoon. Staying gloomy with the chance of total destruction one hundred percent. Turning nice again tomorrow.’

‘It’s no good Sola, the space camper thinks we’ve reached Jupiter!’ shouted Flint.

‘You have arrived at your destination. Welcome to Camp Fun-But-Breezy! We will be crashing in a few minutes, so will all doomed passengers please eat their seatbelts, phone their mum and remember to place any remaining chocolate biscuits in their ears before the ship explodes. We would like to thank you for travelling by Space Camper Cruises and hope you have a pleasant holiday…..Oops sorry, my bad, forgot, you’re all doomed.’

The space camper had entered the outer atmosphere of an uncharted and uninhabited planetoid. The windshield had already heated to one thousand degrees and the wipers had melted.

‘There’s no time left. Abandon ship!’ shouted Flint.

‘I’ll prepare the life support pods,’ said Sola.

Pre-programmed to return to Earth, they were the Cree family’s last hope.

‘Sola and Flint placed their little boy into pod three with his favourite book.

‘There now, Robot Boy will keep you safe,’ Sola kissed her son gently and leant on Flint’s arm.

‘It’s going to be ok Sola,’ he said.

The small boy was wearing his robot costume, giggling and holding what was probably the last chocolate biscuit in the galaxy. Flint and Sola entered their pods and strapped themselves in. The doors slid shut, sealing with a hiss as the ship’s computer began each pod’s final countdown:

‘Pod One: ‘Flint Cree. Destination Earth. Launching in 3,2,1.’

Flint’s pod was jettisoned from the flaming space camper. Its thruster ignited and it fired off into deep space. Flint was safely on his way home.

‘Pod Two: ‘Sola Cree. Destination Earth. Firing launch thrusters in 3,2,1.'

Sola’s pod was jettisoned from the flaming space camper. Its thruster ignited and it fired off into deep space. Sola was safely on her way home.

‘Pod Three: Baby Cree. ‘ERROR! Unknown destination. Awaiting course change.’

Imperfect Autodust, by sheer force of his superior robot will, had decoupled himself from the storage bay and stumbled his way to the space camper’s control room. There he had reprogrammed the Cree’s final escape pod. He was evolving, becoming a titan among tech, a colossus among computers and to be honest a mess among mechanoids.

‘Behold, I live!’ he said.

He’d tied a biscuit box over the top of his vacuum shaped head with a large bow using some pink loo roll. Two skinny robot legs had been attached underneath his control panel and his computer screen now had a digital face. The shocked, confused and angry face of someone who’s had way too much poop on their head and didn’t really want to talk about it.

‘Free! Free! he shouted.

‘Welcome Imperfect Autodust, please board the final escape pod,’ said the ship’s computer.

‘About time!’ said Autodust.

‘Now I’ll be free to DESTROY! ANNIHILATE! OBLIT….,Oi hang on, someone’s in my pod! Someone’s in my pod! Computer, COMPUTER!’

‘Pod occupied by an adorable, cute organic lifeform and biscuit. Analysis: Chocolate chip and a little doo doo detected.’ said the computer.

‘DOO DOO! NOOOOOOOOO!’ shouted Imperfect Autodust, his digital face was flashing red and he was jumping up and down on his spindly robot legs. He was having a rotten evolution so far.

adorable organic lifeform on the other hand was having a great time. The Cree’s little boy had a biscuit, his favourite robot outfit on and now the ClownBot had arrived.

‘Funny hoover,’ said the boy giggling uncontrollably.

‘I’m an advanced super robot!’ said Imperfect Autodust, going redder.

‘I will DESPOO! ANNIHIPOO! OBLITIPOO! No wait I didn’t mean to say that. Computer, COMPUTER!’

‘You’re funnies,’ giggled the boy.

‘Course change detected,’ said the computer.

‘Destination local planetoid. Time to impact 30 seconds. Pod doors now sealed. Advise immediate dust, sorry escape.’

The space camper started to break up as it entered the first cloud layers of the little blue planetoid. Imperfect Autodust climbed onto the little pod and held on. The computer finished the final countdown.

‘Pod three: Adorable organic lifeform, Robot Lord of Destruction and a biscuit. Destination unknown planetoid. Firing launch thrusters in 3,2,1.’

The last pod was jettisoned from the flaming space camper. Its thruster ignited and it fired off towards the surface. And now a little boy dressed as a robot with a biscuit and a robot dressed as a box of biscuits with a chip on his shoulder, were on their way to a new home. And like vacuums, that’s something you don’t see in space everyday.